Usually, at the end of every year I do an in depth reflection post on my status. I discuss the struggles, triumphs, and everything had in between. I express my gratitude, my love, my commitments. 2017 was indeed a “hangover” year. Recovering from the beatdown 2016 had on my mind, body, and soul...accomplishments included.
2017 had its fair share of experiences and learning moments as well though. I was tried in every arena from faith to emotional stability. I learned of my resilience...as I experienced everything so deeply and intensely that I often wished I could turn off my ability to feel anything at all. Getting through that taught me not only am I strong...but I am tougher than I know. In 2017 i’ve never felt any less sane....I thought I was losing my mind on multiple occasions and I learned not only to anchor, but to keep pushing...because no one is more a match for the darkness of my mind than I am. I learned perseverance... period. There was no task I began that I didn’t complete... even if it did push me to the brinks of exhaustion beyond recognition. I learned to redirect...and be in the now. By focusing on my commitment to the practice of Kung fu and art I was able to learn to be in the moment and not allow the anxieties of tomorrow or the shortcomings of yesterday influence my performance today. I learned that I must stop overcommitting and oversharing of myself because it’s very often to my detriment. I learned to swim in my magick, be confident in my magick, to trust in my magick and to commit to my magick because I am both creator and created. Last of all I learned that this was only the warm up... that each and every one of these lessons and trials were to prepare me for what’s to come.
So even though we are embarking on a new year...there will not be a new me. I have worked entirely too hard to get the old me where I am. With the new year I will be recommitting to mastery of self...and the expression of that mastery. I will take my time and I will take care of me. I will commit to the continuous refinement of who I am and commit to the magic of every single breath I take knowing that there will be good days, bad days, between days...and that all of that is ok because it’s another day.
Recently I've been working on presence and self awareness as it relates to how people perceive you. I've come to the conclusion that outside of how one dresses or carries them self, a big 25-65% of how one is perceived is determined by how one speaks, and what they speak about. That means that from head to toe you may dress the part, walk the part, and essentially look the part; but once you open your mouth you may have lost the part. Inversely however, you may essentially come off as completely unworthy of acknowledgement UNTIL you actually start speaking and in that there is great power; not only for perceptions sake but also had the need arise for you to be a chameleon.
A chameleon is an animal known to blend into its surroundings by being able to change the color of its body to whatever colors in nature it's most frequently around. Being a "social chameleon" (the act of being able to communicate in a myriad of environments with different people) is an acquired skill but a useful one. Being able to talk to one group of people at a level that relates to them and makes them feel comfortable, then being able to switch it up and speak to a group a people that demands a totally different caliber of language and articulation is not something that most people have a desire to do or even find easy.
But I digress...
Recently I got a tattoo of Arabic lettering above it's English translation that reads "I SEEK REFUGE IN ALLAH FROM SATAN THE ACCURSED". I have to admit that in standing there showing the tattoo artist the design I felt a slight air of discomfort and judgement. Here I am, some young guy with visible tattoos and a fitted cap on asking for another tattoo in Arabic..."Oh he must be one of those mooslems" had to be a thought as I was immediately asked "Are you Muslim?" Which led into a variety of questions and my poised, non defensive answers that concluded in the man saying, "Nicely stated young man" to which I thought to myself f*ck yea! #winning (who got that Charlie Sheen reference?)
I was raised in Islam, I love Islam, and I live in accordance with the foundation Islam has provided me, but I do NOT call myself Muslim. I got this tattoo however because it is a phrase I use everyday, multiple times a day in seeking the protection of a higher being against any and all entities that may threaten me. Against myself, the master of my actions, and against any destructive force that may come my way. It's in a language that I do not speak but have been taught to pray in. They are some of the most powerful words I know.
Taking a sharp turn down mystical lane, in most all forms of magick, worship, or otherwise reverence based activities there are 3 stages. Conscious collection of a thought, the conscious direction of that thought in the form of will, and the projection of that thought/will through SPOKEN WORD and physical actions. That being said, words are a necessary point in the manifestation of ANYTHING in this material world and thus should be used with careful intent and caution. Not only due to the power present in influencing how you are perceived, but also due to the power present in influencing reality as a whole.
I want to close by saying some of the worlds most powerful and influential people are indeed magicians of a sort. They move and shape spirits, moods, loyalties, entire lives with their words. They exemplify the quintessence of all that magick is; willful influence of one's environment. I don't think that the only thing separating man from animals is intellect because I believe animals to have quite the intellect. I believe the separation to exist in man's ability to declare and exclaim! Be! and what follows is creation.
Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, I know it's been far too long! We are going to jump right into it today in a discussion about Comfort vs Progression. A recent turn of events and a few good conversations sparked up the inspiration for this post so bare with me.
I recently completed this development program around brand building and what exactly brand is.
In this program we read a book entitled, "Career Warfare" by David D'Alessandro (a book I highly recommend to anyone starting or growing in their career) in which he discusses 10 rules to adhere to in building your brand and moving up the career ladder.
Outside of the book however, we would discuss some of the unwritten, but well known Do's and Don'ts of the professional world. We discussed etiquette and professional dress, we discussed public speaking and presentations, and we discussed how not to get comfortable. Now, although this was a program structured around the professional world and career development, I couldn't help but to think of ways to implement some of (if not all of) the things I would learn in my personal life. Let's face it, our daily lives aren't promised and our professional ones are even less.
The issue around becoming comfortable is a very real issue not only in the professional world but domestically as well. Many of the people I've grown up with were faced with the same disadvantages and struggles; be it a lack of guidance, distractions, violence, poor education, etc. As a result many dropped out of school, fell to street gangs, premature pregnancy, jail, and unfortunately premature death. Of those who didn't, many (including myself) went on to college but didn't finish due to a variety of reasons that I could speculate involved a lack of preparation, lack of financial ability, and lack of desire as life was comfortable enough as is.
LIFE WAS COMFORTABLE AS IS...
It just so happens that many of my peers are brilliantly resourceful enough to not only find a way to survive, but find a way to be comfortable in surviving. They either live with relatives and/or find a job or two and do what they have to do to make ends meet and as long as they are able to wake up the next morning this is life. Living like that, before you know it you are 40 with kids and regrets about what opportunities you didn't take advantage of because you got comfortable and you impress upon the next generation not to complete the cycle...but they do. It's very easy to get caught up in the day to day flow of life, living pay check to pay check and waking up one morning full of gray hair and regrets. Even I, myself having found full time employment and being out of school for as long as I have can see how easy it would be to get caught up and not go back. Being comfortable is indeed comfortable. You might always be able to buy the new Jordan sneakers, you might be able to afford the new Iphone and you may be able to pay all of your bills on time...most of the time; but is going out on a limb...getting out of your comfort zone and enduring a little bit of pain for a lot of potential gain really that foreign? That bad? It's not working if you're comfortable and in my honest opinion the only time you should be comfortable is when you are making progression! For those of us who never stopped schooling and are well on their way to getting a masters degree or more...more power to you! Read D'Alessandro's book and keep up the progress. For those of us like myself caught at a cross roads...don't let yourself get comfortable...I'll be in school next semester how about you?
Now, i'm not saying it's absolutely necessary for someone to be a college graduate to be successful. What I'm saying is that as long as you make it "ok " to get by on the bare minimum or " just enough" you are allowing yourself to get comfortable in spite of your personal goals and desires. But if you are content with doing just that then by all means...be comfortable! But let's be honest...we all want a little more.
Well...Eid Mubarak to all the muslim's who struggled through the sacred month of Ramadan. 30 grueling days of fasting till sunset, raising early to eat and pray, keeping God in mind throughout the day and distancing yourself from the impurities of this world on some level or another. I have to say that though I am far from perfect, and have been far from perfect in my fasting, I'm VERY proud of myself and having completed Ramadan this year. This is the first Ramadan I've completed since 2006...that's a whole 5 years ago! This day comes with a breath of fresh air for many, while leaving a bitter sweet after taste. Ramadan proves to "pay out" what you "put into it" and therefor can be (has been for me) quite rewarding physically, mentally/emotionally and most importantly spiritually. With the end of Ramadan many will go back to the same dead end, physically gratifying train's of thought they did before they started it. They will not sympathize with those less fortunate, they will indulge in the physical pleasures of the world, they will swear and be violent, and most sadly of all they will forget about the living breathing God Consciousness they have been feeding these last 30 days.
Although I'm excited for this Eid celebration, (the celebration Muslim's observe for the end of Ramadan) Ramadan has reminded me to focus on the important things; things that I will bring into practice on a grander scale throughout my daily life the other 11 months of the year. Things like realizing that there are people less fortunate than you; Like food is and should be valued not eaten or discarded at luxury; Like DISCIPLINE and RESTRAINT! Finally, this Ramadan has encouraged me to continue to learn, seek, and grow spiritually as well as mentally/emotionally and physically. I want to take this time out to show my undying gratitude to those people who supported me and respected me the last 30 days as well as those who doubted me, for they fueled in me even MORE a desire to reach the finish line. I am blessed to have participated and to have made it though; to have documented and shared with all of you; and to have walked away from this experience with something more than I came into it with! Peace and blessings to you all!
So Day 25 of Ramadan is coming to an end and I just broke my fast with an excellent meal of rice, beans, and salad. I want to catch you all up on my progress and jump right into my topic this entry.
A week ago I was faced with making a decision. After much deliberation I decided after being offered to join in on a trip to Florida for a week that I would go. The debate was in whether or not I would be able to maintain my fast while down there. A week later I'm proud to say that I only missed 2 days of fasting, both of which were due to my physical state of being and not a lack of discipline. On the flip side, the negative of my being on the trip was that my focus was almost completely ripped away from Ramadan minus the conscious physical fasting. I was prepared for this; and in the days following my last post and leading into my trip the intensity of my fast decreased as I had become more and more turned off by my apparent submission to religious law and practice...the very law and practice I turned away from those 5 years ago. The ritual in prayer has become redundant and obligatory and I'm not feeling as much as I did when I started...very often I wonder why am I still holding on, why am I even doing it anymore and at those moments I have to dig deep inside and push through with faith that there is a calling I'm answering to that perhaps I'm not aware of yet...
That does bring me to my topic of choice however; that topic being obligation or sincerity in religious practices and rituals such as prayer. In Islam you pray 5 times a day going through various cycles of standing, to kneeling, to sitting depending on the time of day. In Florida I went through the whole cycle one time and since being back I've resumed regular prayers. Lately however, I have found that while praying my mind begins to wander and I realized that I'm not praying with the same sincerity I did, that I'm more praying out of the muslim obligation in times and cycles...that when it gets time for my "personal" prayers THAT is when I feel the sincerity return. My question is should you pray out of sincerity ONLY or should you pray out of obligation...or perhaps maybe obligation trains your sincerity? Having dipped myself in the world of organized religion makes me remember how many governing rules to practicing there are...rules that aren't necessarily bad but rules that indeed can ( and often do) distract one from the real point of the religious experience or expression of spirituality. I will say that this Ramadan I "broke" a lot of muslim rules... and call me what you want but I'm cool with it. I went out to party when the sun went down, I laughed and cursed, I enjoyed myself but I set out that time and sacrificed that food for a reason and I know that reason and that's what is important. Some have suggested after hearing about this that I should never have started fasting in the first place or perhaps to acknowledge that what I was doing didn't fall into the category of "Ramadan" because I'm not following the rules as a muslim would. These 30 days have been my RAMADAN and I enjoyed the hardships, the confusion, the fasting, the stomach grumbling, the breaking of the fasts, the waking up before dawn to pray and eat and even though it was challenging at some moments more than others I am PROUD of what I've accomplished and what I've learned and hope to continue to learn.
Greetings!! I have an interesting topic to discuss that came to me over breakfast this morning but first let me update you on my progress!
1/3 of the way in and still going strong! Although I will say the last 5 days have been the toughest of the 10 in all, I haven't (intentionally) broken my fast by means of eating/drinking etc! I've had a few not so God-ly thoughts, I've slacked on a few prayers, and I've most certainly watched the clock for the "Food hour" but no matter how tempted or how bad I've felt I've remained true to the cause and have not broken my fast! To be honest, I've not really gotten much out of the last 5 days and that's simply because I haven't put much into it. I also feel that (though it's no excuse) the first 5 days were so overwhelming in terms of the progress I was making on intellectual/spiritual levels that perhaps a break was in order and thus my very relaxed, non eventful last 5 days...
Today however I woke up with the inspiration to discuss and distinguish between the word/title/being that is "GOD" vs a term I think is much more appropriate; that term being God Conscious. Now understandably, this may be quite the controversy among the religious population AND the non religious population but like I said "I" was inspired this morning to get this out to who ever would hear it...so here goes.
My whole life I was brought up to believe in, and worship a God who is 1; all powerful, all knowing. As a muslim we call him Allah, but I was taught that God is called by many names and given many titles but that he still is 1 ! You can imagine the confusion I felt as a child upon hearing of the many Egyptian/Greek God(s) and Goddess's, as well as the Gods of the Hindu religion, the Norse God's, and the different manifestations of God in African and other indigenous nature based religions. Up until recently I've considered all of those people who believed in many God's foolish. The people who believe in a power that was greater or even just different from what I believe in was just pure mythology and malarkey! I've gotten to a point in my life however where label's and passed judgement are not the ruling bodies for what I entertain and/or study in my own personal quest to understanding truth. That people can call on 1 God, Many God's, a male God, a female God, Jackal headed God's, and God's with multiple arms because as human beings we need to relate to something, someone in order for us to worship and account for the many things we don't understand...like creation...like death. *Furthermore, I'm finding that the God of the major monotheistic religions debatedly acknowledged that there exists other God's but demands his people's loyalty in that they only acknowledge, rely on, and worship him.
"You shall have no other gods before me." (First commandment) *
Regardless if the above is true or not, or if you believe in the possibility in the existence of other God's who are less powerful than YOUR God or not fact remains we all think "our" God is best AND we acknowledge that "our" God is real...
To be very honest, this Ramadan is agitating in me a lot of confusion about what I want to believe and what I actually DO believe as a result of all I've learned through indoctrination, experience, and personal study. I have been, and now am even more so turned off by the politics, JUDGEMENT, and bureaucracy of religion. I am even more frustrated that I am so confused and that this struggle exists...frustrated but grateful. And through this all I am not put off enough to deny the existence of Power that manifested through its will the creation and existence of the universe! With that being said, I do feel very strongly that pagans, polytheist, and monotheist can all agree that we acknowledge a power that willed us into existence and that that power is a GOD CONSCIOUS. None of us are entirely sure WHO or WHAT maintains that God Conscious...or if there's anything maintaining it at all but we know we come from something greater than ourselves which is why I feel God Conscious is such an appropriate term. That God Conscious can be so fluid, so flexible, so versatile in nature that it can be that Jackal, it can be that multi-armed figure, it can be the air, the earth, the trees, the fire...and most commonly it can be that great father who sent down the Torah, the Gospel, and the Qur'an. The best part about the God Conscious is that it lives inside each and every one of us. I may stand alone or I may be backed by many...but I believe in a God Conscious...not God's, not a God, not Goddess's, and not Nature...I believe we all play a very important and CONNECTED role in the divine consciousness that makes up our individual interpretations of GOD!
Ramadan Mubarak! It's a common greeting among the muslim participants of the 30 day Sacred Holiday that means "A blessed Ramadan". So far, my Ramadan has been very involved and I'm going to explain what I mean by involved in a second...
Most of my life I've celebrated Ramadan being raised in a muslim household where it wasn't really an option to "opt out" on fasting. Eventually Ramadan developed it's own special meaning to me such that even given the option (which as a muslim you never really are) I would decline and fast anyway. One Ramadan I got so frustrated with my situation that I had a break down and through another's guidance I realized that I was fasting out of obligation and fear of consequence more so than a genuine desire to fast. I took a day off and came back to it the following day feeling more free, lighter, and more focused on the divine. That was also my last Ramadan and the end of my tenure as a "religious" practitioner.
I have since attempted (and failed) to practice Ramadan however without the right frame of mind, sense of obligation, and discipline it's nearly impossible to undertake such a huge sacrifice in denying yourself the pleasures of the physical world. I am however, a person who knows the value in self restraint and discipline and although not religious, could appreciate the act of fasting and thus felt called to once again take the month long sacrifice and get my head together.
Prior to starting this year's Ramadan I told a few people, "The hardest part of doing Ramadan won't be the not eating but will be my friends." I also stated that "the first 15 days will be the hardest due to the period of time I've not fasted...the first 15 days will be about gaining discipline." Following that logic I did not expect to feel, learn, question, or understand things until at least the second week. So you can imagine my surprise when the first day I had no trouble at all, the second day I began to question myself, the third and fourth days I became spiritually confused, and the fifth day I'm here with a sense of cool about it all. I expected Ramadan would make me more religious if anything and I'm finding it's more turning me away from religion, that it would make me feel God and I'm finding I'm learning a healthy fear of God (in terms of respect and power). To document everything to date that I'm dealing with and involved in spiritually would demand an entirely different post however one thing has become certain to me...if Ramadan has been THIS involved THIS early...I can only imagine how much MORE involved it can get by day 30!
Wooo!! It's been awhile since my last posting! There's a variety of factors that goes into that however the biggest one being my enjoying the summer and 21st birthday. (all smiles) As the summer comes to an end however it's time to begin to refocus and get things together mentally, emotionally, physically, and lastly but perhaps most importantly spiritually. That being said it's about 4:43 AM Monday morning, the 1st of August 2011. I'm up this early (yes early rather than late for those of you who are familiar with me actually going to bed around this time) because of a special time every year for Muslims called Ramadan. On another blog I maintain I stated that:
"In short, Ramadan is a muslim holiday that celebrates the gift of the qur’an to man given in 30 parts to the prophet Muhammad by the angel Gabriel. Ramadan encourages man to dig deep and exhibit the highest forms of discipline, respect, and love for his fellow man through good and kind deeds, patience, and charity. It also encourages a purging of negativity via thoughts, actions, and environment while moving to get closer to God. During Ramadan, muslims sacrifice and discipline themselves to arise before sun rise, pray and prepare for a long day testing faith and determination as one observing the holy time isn’t allowed to Eat, Drink, engage in Sex or other indulgent behaviors during day light hours for a period of 30 days. Intense prayer and reading are required during this time with a focus on God and strengthening the bond between the individual and the divine while focusing on the “higher self”. I’ve been raised in the Islamic faith and although I don’t claim to be a practicing muslim currently I will be observing this years Ramadan…it’s an occasion to purge yourself of the toxic this physical world provides on a physical mental and spiritual level…I will be blogging my progress. I will also at the same time be focusing on other aspects of spirituality and my personal connection to the divine. I wish you all nothing but light peace and happiness and know that I’m not here to preach to you just to share."
I think those statements about sum it all up! So I've set my alarm to wake me up at 4 AM in order to raise before the sun, drink a cup of coffee, pray, and prepare my long Summer day of praying, reading, and fasting. One of the most important things about successfully completing Ramadan I think is stating your intentions the night before. It's not easy to fast from food, sex, violence, vulgar, and the vices of this world...especially if you engage in them on a daily basis, but even if you do not and are simply surrounded by them. When you state that intent you coat yourself with a will to complete that maybe won't guard you against temptation but will provide you with barrier enough to acknowledge it as being temptation and to carry on successfully!
Now for the important part... why am I doing it?
Well there are a variety of reasons why I decided to observe Ramadan this year. Those who keep up with and know me know that I do not currently profess to observe any particular religious tradition; that my focus is more spiritual in nature. It's important to note however that I was raised in Islam, my HEART is in Islam and that the TRUE nature of the term Islam is submission (in what ever form that may come) to the will and power of the Almighty and Divine and that for as long as I may live regardless of what path I take I will always bare witness to the POWER and authority that is God through whatever name it's channeled! That being said no, I'm not doing it out of religious obligation but more out of personal preference; To close in on the relationship I have with the divine and the TRUE nature of the world. I'm doing it for the discipline, for the detox of negativity, for the clarity of thought, for the spiritual tuning, for the refocusing needed to continue on my spiritual path, in short I'm doing it all FOR ME! Today is day 1 of 30...I know the road won't be an easy one, but it's be a necessary one! I'll be blogging to update and document my progress...for those of you who made it through the entire post BLESS YOU! I appreciate your on going support and interest in what I have to say! Ramadan Mubarek and a very peaceful Ramadan to you!
So as I stated in the video I decided to take a break from the "Human the social creature" theme due to a moment of realization I had in the shower today. I was moved to discuss briefly the difference between religion and spirituality as well as my views on the issues that arise from these differences. Please watch with an open mind, open heart, and open soul. The quote I came up with was stated backwards however for lack of a desire of having to re record the entire video I let it roll but the corrected quote is "I don't owe the world anything; but I give of myself freely because I can." Thank you for your support and I wish you all peace in the future.
*Disclaimer* This one is for all you religious zealots and also those deniers of faith. I am aware that most people won't and can't accept the message provided. That is ok. I'm not on a mission to change the world I'm on a mission to save it. Those who hear me will hear me, those who won't might or might not. These are MY thoughts and feelings expressed based on MY experiences and interaction with the world. I'm not claiming to be a false prophet, your gift from God, or a savior to man kind...I only want the best for the very soul energy that I share with you all and that you all share with me.
It's time for us as a conscious being to wake up! Look around and take note not only of what we are doing to the world, but of the OBVIOUS influence of the spirit world on our own 3-Dimensional one. Enjoy.
The fact that human beings are social creatures should be of no surprise to anyone. From the moment we humans take our first breaths, everything we do is to illicit a social response from someone, anyone who'll give it to us. As babies we cry to get what we want, as children we ask questions, as teens we challenge ideas and try to express ourselves as individuals and finally, as adults we make decisions based on the values and ideas we've developed as teens through our various forms of expression, challenge, rebellion, and cooperation with the societal norms as well as the interpersonal relationships we have with close friends and family. That being said, this post can go in a variety of directions but I'm going to specifically focus on the concepts of socialization as it relates to individual people being around others vs isolation as it relates not to punishment but to separating one's self from outside influence and suggestion you would commonly find in dealing with peers.
Most of the people I surround myself with have a rebellious spirit on some level or another. Through words, actions, interests, and methods of self education, we try to stand out from the crowd and what's accepted as "normal". That "rebellious spirit", as I phrased it, manifests itself in a variety of ways, depending on the individual in question, but exists nonetheless. A friend of mine had got to talking about life, some of the current challenges they are dealing with, and how it all gets to be overwhelming. They then proceeded to say "I need to just stop and think about the direction my life is heading." To which I couldn't have agreed with more. I say this because very often, (as is the case with this friend) we get so caught up in the flow of daily life which includes and relies heavily on the interaction we have with different people, friendly or not, to validate how we feel, what we feel, when we feel it, and whether or not its appropriate. We very often forget to sit back and weigh our own options and judge things from our own perspective even if that means being the only one with that particular view on the topic. Again, the need to socialize or illicit a social response from someone (preferably another human being) is in our nature from the moment we take our first breaths as a human being (Socialization). And since our societal structure is largely based on a social interaction ranging from accepted and understood conformity, to solid laws, to the institutions we attend from a young age (hospitals, schools, religious centers, etc.) we very often forget that we are our own person capable of thinking, feeling, acting, believing and perceiving the world on our own. We forget willingly so as to avoid being ridiculed and labeled as the outcast or the trouble maker; for fear of being labeled as crazy and locked away somewhere we'll be forgotten and left to entertain those very different beliefs that landed us there in the first place, cold and alone.We forget unwillingly in playing "the game" and trying to appear as normal on the outside; curling up the sides of our lips into a fake but friendly appearing smile, apologizing for things we have no business apologizing for, speaking in a manner so as to be "politically correct" and in the process embracing the role we project as being who we are and forgetting who we REALLY are. Yes, socialization validates the world around us as being "real". When you see the same thing I see it's determined that thing is indeed real, but are you really seeing what I'm seeing? Or are you AGREEING that you and I are seeing the same thing? Knowing the socialization game will get you your dates, get you your promotions, get you noticed, but at what point do you stop being you? Too many people are afraid of being alone.
ALONE; the way you entered this world and the way you'll leave it. No amount of social connections, conformity, going with the flow, and validation on anyone else's part can challenge, protect or deny THAT fact of life. ALONE; with the only person who should matter in making life decisions, in trust, in love, in faith. Do we give up our sanctuary so we can hide behind the artificial sanctuary provided by blending with the crowd?
As I've advised my friend, sometimes taking time out to think on your own. away from outside influences, without worrying about who is going to accept you, without needing to be validated, is the best thing you can do for yourself. The matrix doesn't exist when you are alone; neither does politics, organized religion, education, social class, race, gender, intelligence, or any other label designed to separate rather than unify. Isolation is viewed as a punishment, but it's a reward. Like being sent to your room as a child. YOUR space, YOUR sanctuary, YOUR thoughts...the only thing you actually OWN in this world. I urge YOU the reader to take some time to yourself, explore that sanctuary of isolation. Turn off your phones, laptops, FACEBOOK!, and get to know yourself again. The next time you have to make a big decision, think about it without outside influence to yourself FIRST, and then if need be share it with your friends. A wise man always accepts counsel but makes their own decisions! This could not occur without the ability to think for yourself from the depths of isolation however brief it may be!
I recently had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine with aspirations to go into the medical field and the conversation ended on the topic of institutions and my feelings about them especially in the American society (namely because thats the only type of institution I'm familiar with). Interestingly enough in this conversation I referenced a blog post that I posted when I first started this blog. located here and one quote in specific that I mentioned was as follows,
I've noticed an institutional trend since a very young age...you are only equipped with the tools necessary to barely get through that institution. This is true of hospitals, jails/prisons, foster homes/orphanages, other service/product oriented institutions, and my focal point schools.
Now, in that post I was talking about schools and the quality of education specifically and I stayed on topic. Here however the focal point is institutions, up to and including school systems; but also the relationship that is created between one and the respective institution and the failure that institution ultimately has on the individual and moreover, the community it exists in. Examining the quote some might say that I am exaggerating a bit but look at it: If you spend any considerable amount of time in an institution you get what's called "institutionalized". This statement is most commonly applied to career criminals who spend extended periods of time in prison systems. Why do you think they are "career criminals" though? Imagine living in an environment like that for lets say a period of 10 years. You're told when to rise, when to sleep, when to relieve yourself, when to exercise, what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, virtually every aspect to your living is controlled and dictated to you. Now imagine being released into the "free world" and having to adjust to making your own decisions, for many it's not an easy task. They go and they do something to land them back in a prison and they continue to live out their life that way.It becomes all they know. It's also true of people in the military. Many people come back from a very similarly controlled environment and don't know how to interact in the civilian world so they reenlist. Even on a less exaggerated level such as hospitals and schools the statement I made holds truth. You are equipped with just enough to get by. Furthermore, in that process you are indoctrinated to accept, believe, and follow up on that interaction with that institution. I recently posted on Facebook a status that asks of my peers what did you learn in high school and I proceeded to list the things that stand out in terms of my memory about high school. Do you know that among the list of things I listed not one did I learn in a classroom? The "academic" tools I was "given" in high school prepared me and allowed me to get through those four years and forget pretty much everything that I "learned" years later. In fact, the things I actually DID learn included information about the street such as there are ways for young people to purchase tobacco and liquor being underage and a crash course on sex and how to approach it and even where and how to purchase marijuana if the need ever arose. As a teenager in high school my education system failed me and prepared me for a life on the street with a high school diploma.
Let's examine lastly the field of medicine and the medical institution here in America. I'm going to use an analogy in terms of how the medicine system here seems to work. How many of us know what causes a headache? Not very many... but how many of us know how to cure one? (hands raising rapidly!!!) Ok Mr. Smith, how do you cure a headache? "Simple, you take a tylenol, asprin, aleve, advil, I mean there are a bunch of pills on the market to get rid of a headache!" ...and you are wrong Mr. Smith sit down please. The aforementioned drugs do NOT cure headaches but rather tricks your body into not minding it. A headache is most often caused by lack of sufficient blood flow to the brain and rather than attempting to find out why that occurs we pay pharmaceutical companies billions in "curing" our headaches rather than 1) determining the real cause of that headache and 2) making the necessary lifestyle changes to prevent that headache from coming back. In this pattern and learned dependency on institutions a cycle develops, our pockets (and brains) are emptied, and we get caught on the hamster wheel running and running and running.
In closing, I'm not saying all institutions are evil and you should stay away. I'm saying that you should make yourself aware of the relationship that develops, the tendency of that institution to fail you due to your lack of preparation and skills/tools on the part of the institution and your taking advantage of what you ARE provided with and making something out of it. The institutions in this country are BUSINESS institutions that depend on a dependent relationship with its users. Like with all business's you have to provide a special kind of service to keep you customers coming back to YOU! If you however, under the guise of an almighty source of "help" to the community via "saving your country" "locking up your criminals" "educating your youth" "healing your wounds" or otherwise...you ARE going to give them your business...and if you're not careful and aware...you'll become dependent on that institution and it will ultimately fail you and drain you of everything in the process if you are not careful.
Very often is the case where one will give advice to someone,(be it effective and positive or ineffective and negative) and later end up in the same or a similar situation and NOT take their own advice! On paper it sounds unheard of however its much more common, as many of you may know, than its not.
Taking one's own advice is tough. For starters you have to strip yourself of ego...Let me repeat that...FOR STARTERS YOU HAVE TO STRIP YOURSELF OF EGO!!! I place such an emphasis on this due to the fact that the ego is a powerful tool, often misused to create delusions of grandeur and/or denying truths about who, what, and how you are. If you're closed to accepting that you have issues due to your massive ego, then you will be closed to seeking help (from yourself or otherwise) for those issues as well. Very often I give advice on situations and I'm like "where the hell did that come from?!" ...sounds real good haha
Once you identify your issues you take the advice of your heart...the advice you would give to someone else about how to accomplish that issue. My experience has allowed me to train people in weightlifting and dieting, on managing money, on relationships, on writing, and dealing with people as a whole. Very often I take what I would say to someone else on the topic and do it myself...and then other times I do not...I'm only human :)
"You see a lot, Doctor. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you - why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to. "
That quote is from the famous "Silence of the Lambs" movie...via Clarice Starling to Hannibal Lector. How many of you could actually do that? How many people aren't afraid?
I digress however....
With my goals of weight loss, working out regularly, eating better, saving money, achieving success in the work place and more...you have to name your goal, make it a focus, and go after it. With weight loss I know you have to fire up your metabolism, work out, and eat correctly. I eat every two hours maybe something small and QUALITY. (no junk) I write down everything I eat and drink. I drink only water (with lemon), coffee sometimes and thats all so far as I've started this. I try to get cardio in through dancing or running. WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN! You want to stay on top of things....THIS IS THE KEY! Your goals on paper will make you want to do them. Will REMIND YOU whats going on. WILL CHART YOUR PROGRESS!! And like I said...I'm taking my own advice...so listen to yourself...cast aside your ego...you'll be fine :) ;-)
With the arrival of the new year a lot of people are determined to make and (hopefully) keep up with resolutions that usually don't last past the first few months. I addressed this slightly in my last post where I suggested that rather than have resolutions we should develop a goal and focus. Well what about those people who have a goal and a focus? What about those people who have the will and discipline to go after the things they want and maintain it throughout the year? What causes THEIR ultimate failure? My answer: Peer pressure of course!
A very real issue I find facing this class of individual is peer pressure. Now peer pressure isn't just that phenomena you experience in your pre-late teen years. Peer pressure exists throughout your life...and the attacks or "pressure" become more and more subtle as those trying to pressure you age and refine their techniques!
*brief scenario* You drink beer and eat mcdonald burgers all year round and notice "my...I have quite a belly now! This year I plan to stop drinking beer and eating fastfood." The year starts and you hang out with friends who still drink beer and eat burgers...they ask if you want, you decline and this pattern continues lets say every friday of the first month until you say to your friends look! I'm not going to drink...respect that or I won't come out with you! They stop offering but hassle you for not being "fun" anymore and you still go out. You're watching your friends drink, you want to but you know you shouldn't. It gets late...2am...everyone is hungry...you go to Mcdonalds...you are hungry as well and you see everyone chowing on mcdonald burgers and stumbling over from all the beer they had. You have a brief moment of weakness and think 1 mc'chicken won't hurt...BAM! You have just created your excuse and failure for the rest of the year! ...and there's always next year anyway right?
Now some would debate that this issue is indeed an issue of discipline rather than peer pressure...and indeed it depends on the individual involved. Without the external element, the individual indeed may have succeeded...
For those victims of this there's not much to say but there is hope to be had. You are now at a cross roads... You have to decide if making yourself happy is more important than making your friends happy; and deeper still, you have to decide if those friends are worth keeping around...at least on a consistent social level or if its better to live out the friendship through distance...phones, emails, skpye..c'mon we live in a digital age! A plan and a focus...you have..now you just need to reflect; figuratively and literally! Trying to loose weight? Before going out with those hassling friends take off all your clothes and look in the mirror...ask yourself at the end of that night is this beer or burger REALLY going to contribute to loosing that? Drugs and liquor? Look at your job or potential job opportunities...is this stuff in my system worth NOT being employed? This year, 2011 is about YOU! and making YOU happy! Focus FOCUS FOCUS!!!! and then reach for the things you want to achieve...remove yourself from things that will slow you down (that includes friends and family and yes prepare for the occasional asshole/bitch term being applied to you! ) and reach out and embrace those things that will increase progression...even if its that scary unknown! Goodluck guys!
So I'm still getting a feel for things as to the direction I want to take this blog...the design...the content...but one thing will remain...my overall "Ugly Truth" theme. It seems almost pointless to me to create a separate blog for "personal" entries and then maintain both...for all of you "non bloggers" out there, maintaining a blog is TOUGH!
So 2010 ended smoothly and 2011 started strong. I didn't create a farewell '10 post due to my presence and activities in New York (visiting) however I caught wind of a light moment and decided to take advantage.
With 2011 what can you expect from Rahkim? Better yet, with 2011 what can you expect from YOURSELF?...Yes you, the reader. I decided to do away with the "resolutions" and set goals and focus. Goals financially and academically, spiritually physically mentally, and to place an emphasis on the FOCUS I exert in these areas. Rather than say I want to lose weight and be in shape the GOAL is to have a healthier overall appearance and existence. The Focus? Eating better, exercising more, and dealing with stress better through itemized management. Do a lot of writing, taking notes, marking calenders so that you can always stay on your game.
I want to take the time in this space to acknowledge all the readers who've been keeping up with me since day 1... the silent observers and those who comment and share my work...THANK YOU!
Besides that guys, it's really all up in the air. Have a blessed 2011...go in with a positive attitude, with strength, with courage, with an OPEN MIND! Be like the Phoenix, starting a-new but bringing with you the experience and wisdom of the old! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wanna start this off by making a shout out to the consistent readers, the subscribers, those who support me on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Blog-The-Ugly-Truth/172853439408795), those who share my work with others, and etc....I really appreciate and love you all! If this takes off and ultimately gets me somewhere I def. owe it all to you :)
Now to jump right into it... here's a video :)
So what did you guys think? Kinda rushed? Yeah, it was slightly difficult to squeeze everything I had on the topic into that 10 time frame however I DID get a lot of information out there. Basically all of that is to say that petty things divide us as a people (Afro-descendant) and also as a bigger people (Human beings). It's important for us to work out our issues individually as it relates to personal security in terms of who we are to ourselves and to others. This term "black" to describe a people is intercepted different ways by different people in different parts of the world. It's important to be sensitive to one's feelings as it relates to THEIR individual beliefs about who they are and what they believe in. Similarly to discussion on religion and God...It's almost a battle that you cannot win. The focus should be on the similarities rather than the differences and no judgement should be passed in order to live most harmoniously and in accord with one another. Black IS NOT an equivalent term to someone of African (or partial African) descent; at least not in most places outside of the US. Black is black and was created as a means to deal with issues, hurts, and identity issues in America. Take heed and do not project self hate, lack of education/ignorance, or personal LEARNED biases on people. Entertain the thought that the ancestor 500+ years ago that landed on what is now American soil had a brother who landed on a latin American or carribean countries soil and that your ancestor in this country may very well be related to someone else's in another making you FAMILY. Petty issues of race and origin as it compares to others aren't often concepts I stress or preoccupy myself with as Man is MAN and we all bleed red and return to the ashes and dust we came from when our physical time on this planet has expired. Be blessed people...peace, light, and love!
So this post won't be as formal or as long as the normal ones, I just wanted to follow up on the first post I made entitled Bridges and Borders. Basically, I want to say that since writing that post/video I've come to learn, accept and realize a few things about the position I was coming from and also the different positions that exist. There are many many videos on youtube, a lot of my friends, and a few associates with whom I have a bit of value to their opinion and through all of these mediums I've accepted that not everyone likes, appreciates, or agrees with many of the views I expressed in the first part of this post. Whereas usually I don't really give much attention to expressed opposing opinions and political correctedness, I'm really writing this because something in me and MY thinking on the topic changed and therefore I don't want old feelings and ideas, especially documented, to reflect my new position or state of mind.
Here goes:
I still maintain that to make up a LATINO one needs the three parts (however equal or unequal)of African blood, Native people's blood, and European blood. We all know the history of the slave trade, the intermixing, so on and so fourth. HOWEVER, I've come to realize that SOME communities of people have more AFRO-reflectant lifestyles, afro-reflectant practices such as religion, dance, and language, and an afro-reflectant overall identity which makes the term afro-Latino make sense. I've also come to realize and accept that there are going to be some blond hair, white skin, blue eyed people who obviously know their history but are clearly "white" Latinos with African ancestry. That the american concept of BLACK is different from the overall world views and that this term BLACK is the culprit of much too much confusion.
BLACK
In America, refers to someone of darker skin AND the culture of the people who were brought to the USA during slavery and lived through it, came out of it, and developed into present day BLACK Americans. Black refers to those people who have no recollection of their culture, native tongue, native religion, or family name. The BLACK culture is almost synonymous with the URBAN culture. It's where the blues, rock and roll, soul music and the ever popular hip hop/rap culture came out of. It's the baggy jeans and over-sized tee-shirts of the 90's-early 2000's. It's the sagging pants, the use of nigga as not a word of hate but of love, slang like "what's good" and so much more.
Black
In the rest of the world, as I understand it, refers to a skin color and NOT a culture. This is why when placed next to a Latino the debate rages..."I'm not black i'm Latino". The Latino is trying to hold on to their culture not trying to end up with the same fate of the "black Americans" those who lost and had to redefine their culture. The black american just see's skin color and not culture however and says "nah, they're black. Just black people who speak Spanish."
We have to evaluate the words, who's using them, who's reacting to them, and finally what difference it makes in life. To some people...(most people in America) black is black!...to others...the idea of holding on to culture for dear life is worth all the fighting and arguing...worth NOT identifying with black american's and standing up for common ground, goals, and enemies. The concept of the afro-Latino is a concept of pride...a concept I can understand as not being redundant as I phrased it. I still believe strongly that we all must see past our differences...especially those of us with darker skin who will be the object of the prejudices that come with it. Those of us who as a people, started at the same place and ended up in many others. Those of us who have AFRICAN blood running through us, AFRICAN melanin making our hair kink, skin shine in the sunlight, lips wide, curves curve, and that AFRICAN rhythm that no doubt allows us to create and move to the music we all love. It's a debate I'm tired of having...it's an ignorance that is wide spread...something that cannot be cured in a video or a blog post.
I thank you all for reading and baring with me! Much love!
This blog title probably has captured a lot of attention and raised eyebrows.
The post is going to cover a wide range of topics all relating back to what I'm going to refer to as "The feminine".
...As of late I've been doing a lot of growing and maturing. Credit for which I cannot and will not totally accept. It's the people I've met and interacted with, the teachings and ideas planted in my mind and soul young coming to fruition, it's my aging, searching, learning and natural growth, and finally and most importantly it's my embracing and humbling myself before one who is greater than myself and all I know. Without this last element in my life, without this humility and conscious casting aside of EGO, ARROGANCE, PRIDE, and INTELLECT I will have been living the same empty existence, growing physically and mentally but not spiritually that I've been living for some almost 4 years now. One of the things I've decided to give voice and attention to is "The Feminine."
To jump right into it, this concept refers to all that is feminine in nature. The feminine aspects of human beings (MALE and female), the MOTHERLY aspects of Nature and the Earth, SUSTAINING aspect of the MOST HIGH and exalted being that many refer to as God and its MANY MANY other names. In today's backward and confused society you have misplaced focus. Misplaced in that it's properly placed by those who aim to confuse and impede development. Misplaced in that we, those that make up society focus on the these distractions and allow them to hold us back, to deny ourselves total fulfillment and to engage in acts and ideas that serve to fill this void but can't.
I want to reference the eastern philosophic concepts of yin and yang, positive and negative, masculine and FEMININE. These concepts are often translated to Good and Evil here in the western world. A translation that is incorrect and off target. With the concepts of Good and Evil you have two opposing sides that fight at what seems a constant stalemate. In this fight exists limited options...here or there, this side or that side, right or wrong, black or white. I find, if my understanding of these concepts are correct, Yin and Yang aren't at battle or a stalemate at all. That Yin and Yang are at an understanding. That there exists no compulsion or force, no here or there, right or wrong, etc. That with Yin and Yang there exists harmony, balance, peace, and UNDERSTANDING. That to every situation that arises there is a positive or negative approach to dealing with it however it's not a right or wrong, good or bad, this or that.
Back to the feminine...it's the aspect in life most men (especially westerners)and some women neglect. It's the aspect in our nature that would prevent war, encourage peace, and connect us to the world in such a way that is unimaginable. The soul exists in the feminine, the ability to give life, to carry life, to NURTURE life. The ability for compassion, for understanding and love, to exhibit WISDOM all exist in the feminine. The appreciation of art, music, poetry, the ability to create and so much more... With pride and ego flooding our existence and the over intellectualization of thoughts, feelings, scenarios, technology, politics and everything the mentioned interacts with, it's easy to see why we exist in the state we do...why we destroy our women and our children instead of building them up and raising them, why we destroy our earth...why we deny our God...why we cannot FEEL the living force flowing through our bodies (sorry to get cliche with you all but it's TRUE!)
The feminine exists in all things of FAITH and WILL...the manifestation of anything in this world comes first through INSPIRATION. Embracing the feminine isn't pledging yourself to a world of domination by women, or changing your belief in a God to that of a Goddess... It's not emasculating yourself so that you appear as a female...It's accepting what already exists in you...it's understanding what exists in your woman...your mother, your sister, your aunt...it's understanding the power of your God. In today's society most men are afraid of "catching the gays" ... accepting the feminine has nothing to do with homosexuality or even "metro" sexuality. Embracing the feminine is about maturity...growth...acceptance...SECURITY. I invite you all...men and women alike...explore and accept it and transform into a being of light!
This blog post was actually suggested to me based on an interaction I had with a peer of mine not too long ago in a group on Facebook. This group, I must start off saying is an AMAZING group and has held my attention since I joined it maybe a week and a half ago. It's called La Conga De America, has awesome administration *shout out to the administrators* and awesome members *yup you guys too* and it continues to grow daily. In this group there are people from all over the country (and world I believe) who participate in sharing, debating, teaching, learning, laughing, empathyzing, and just overall interacting as a sort of cyber family. It's time much better spent than the hours on end of Mafia Wars, or Farmville(not knocking the game heads) because of the sense of familiarity and the dual value of education AND entertainment. It's an awesome group, awesome awesome awesome and I could write about it all day but it's not the topic of discussion today.
Moving on...
There was a debate of sorts between me and an admin (way to be a rebel Rahkim) that seemed to be the result in a difference in position.After the debate however I realized that we stand on a united front as far as what we aim to accomplish but the way we go about accomplishing them...eh Let me explain...
As most of you may well know I have a strong affinity for the latino culture, namely those latinos in the Caribbean. (RE: My post "Negro, Blanco y Rojo por todas partes!" ) It started as I learned to speak spanish in school and I fell in love with the language. Soon I realized that you cannot separate the language from the culture and I began to embrace it..so on and so fourth....
What most of you however may NOT know is that I'm also an advocate for the advancement and unity of people of color, not exclusive to blacks or people of African ancestory however very strongly focused on those people's who's culture is the result of the FORCED migration of African's throughout the world known as the MAAFA (or African diaspora). These include the North and South American continents, carribean, and the rest of the world! I have a very strong love for my people, for the varying shades of skin, varying grades of hair, our rich heritage through music, dance, food, science, medicine, mathematics and the list is long before finished. It pains me however to know that within our people there's so much self hate, insecurities, false pride, and any otherwise dividing factors as skin shade, hair grade, location of birth, or which conquering people's piece of land your ancestor's landed on.
With that being said, I always in this group promote (if I can) the inclusion of black american's (also referred to as African American's or AA's) in our discussions so as not to allow the gap to widen as for the unity of our beautiful people. THIS is what started the debate as many people of color do NOT identify with their African roots, I imagine many more don't want to be associated with black american's at all...In fact, most black american's would rather not be associated with being a black american...sad but true. So my constant re-introduction of this concept was warned as being something that wouldn't be readily accepted by many as it's already almost too much to ask of these people to accept that they have an African heritage and to be proud of it! (and I'm not talking about anyone in the group because we all seem to be pretty well informed) It came down to an issue of diplomacy (in my eyes anyway) vs. bluntness. Here's the break down though...FACT! European's got word of this awesome and exotic "new spot" (that incidently already had people living there) and wanted to expand their world. FACT! Those Europeans came over and killed off (through diseases and physical force) the native habitants of these lands, those who didn't die were made slaves, often raped, and/or "converted and civilized". FACT! They felt alot needed to be accomplished and the peoples who they decimated were all but extinct so they needed some source of free labor...slave trade began, African's were transported, mixing, mixing, mixing years later you have what you call in this area a latino. Fact! In order to make lemonade you need lemon, sugar, and water. Why is that important? You'll see...
Fact! In order to make lemonade you need lemon, sugar, and water.
So I like my lemonade analogy(...sorry if you don't but you'll deal with it) because I feel its MOST appropriate. You see, if anyone has made homemade lemonade they know that you need a certain percentage of water, sugar, and lemon juice to make it at least somewhat desirable. That, if Grandma made it, it's usually a perfect balance of tart/sweetness, that if lil Jonny made it, it's probably too sweet, and that if you made it...well it may not be sweet enough! That being the case...regardless of who made it,and how it tastes it's still LEMONADE!!! So most of you may have been able to follow me so far but for those of you who didn't I'm simply saying that in order to make a latino (yea Rahkim we're doing a science project) or rather the make up of the peoples historically known as latinos include those ancestors who were the conquerers, those ancestors who were the native people and those ancestors who were the Africans. Some people however refuse to acknowledge a part of their history..which is almost the same as taking out the lemon from the lemonade isn't it? You'll simply have sugar water. Having cleared up what a latino is, this is generally the case with all BLACK people in whatever part of the world they were dropped off and whoever was responsible for making the lemonade (too much sugar, not enough, or just right akin to being darker, lighter, or in the middle). Now let me put in a disclaimer to say simply that for one...I'm not calling you guys lemonade and for two the analogy isn't meant to be taken literally as its just here to help illustrate my point that point being you cannot have one without the other...it's pure nonsense. Now that we're both had time to calm down (because we are both very passionate about what we feel is correct) I can see the logic in his approach...introducing truths slowly...however too often it's the black American who's left out in the cold and...I cannot sit there and let it be that way. Truth is we'll all in the same struggle...
MY PEOPLE! PLEASE HEAR ME! It doesn't matter where your ancestors landed...you and I are the same. ACCEPT and LOVE your African heritage...it's what gives you your beauty! Embrace your brother be he from England or Japan...Santo Domingo or Haiti...Colombia or Mexico! Stop leaving your brothers and sisters here in America in the dark...embrace us too! Because to those eyes that can see, and those responsible for our being this way...BLACK IS BLACK...and thats Wesly Snipes black or A-Rod Black or Michael Jackson Black...BLACK IS BLACK AND BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!
So it's been a long while and I've decided that since so much has changed I'm going to take this blog in a new direction. While initially I waited for inspiration to hit and hot topics to sizzle, now I think I just want to document much more in the area of my thoughts, concerns, questions,frustrations, doubts, clarifications...so on and so fourth. Today's topic is one I think deserves to be addressed in that I made a decision, took a chance, and am holding onto it. Here goes...
About 3 weeks ago, I physically left what I've known to be home for my whole life...the great state of New York. It wasn't an easy choice to make as it came with many sacrifices, struggles, criticism, expenses, and lastly but very importantly courage. It's not everyone who can pack up their entire life in a few boxes and suitcases and relocate to a completely different state, timezone, or part of a country. Going into it I was all of excited, scared, nervous, annoyed, angry, overjoyed, and a host of others I can't remember. Overall however the one thing I've learned through this trip and through being here is a deeper meaning to the word FAITH.
Well I'm here now, enjoying the weather...employed (though barely), and getting ready to enroll in the University out here. I've yet to make friends or become active,and I'm still pretty much living out of a suitcase...I get lonely and bored, and sometimes I even get sad because I miss so many of my family and friends from home who either don't understand what went on the last few weeks I was in NY, or were right there with me helping me get ready to go. Point is, I made a very conscious decision as to the direction my life was going in. Yes, the decision was faith based, I wasn't sure but I had an idea, a PLAN and I intend on following it through until either another choice comes in my path or my plan is met with success. At the end of the day, my decisions about life will have been made, with or without someone else's influence and I will have to determine if I'm ok with where I ended up...but that's for me, and ONLY me to determine.
I want to close this out saying that I'm slowly getting use to things out here. For those of you who care about me so much and want to know how I'm doing, I'm doing great! I'm struggling, I'm learning, I'm GROWING and you'll all see the product of that when I return. For those of you with an attitude or issue for whatever reason, I'm sure you'll get over it and if not then thats the burden you want to carry. I'm not coming home a little boy, diplomatic and afraid to hurt your feelings. I'm coming home a man and about a man's business. Doing MY thing and being proud of it... and it's as simple as that. I love you all and peace!
