Ramadan Day 30!!: Eid Mubarak

Well...Eid Mubarak to all the muslim's who struggled through the sacred month of Ramadan. 30 grueling days of fasting till sunset, raising early to eat and pray, keeping God in mind throughout the day and distancing yourself from the impurities of this world on some level or another. I have to say that though I am far from perfect, and have been far from perfect in my fasting, I'm VERY proud of myself and having completed Ramadan this year. This is the first Ramadan I've completed since 2006...that's a whole 5 years ago! This day comes with a breath of fresh air for many, while leaving a bitter sweet after taste. Ramadan proves to "pay out" what you "put into it" and therefor can be (has been for me) quite rewarding physically, mentally/emotionally and most importantly spiritually. With the end of Ramadan many will go back to the same dead end, physically gratifying train's of thought they did before they started it. They will not sympathize with those less fortunate, they will indulge in the physical pleasures of the world, they will swear and be violent, and most sadly of all they will forget about the living breathing God Consciousness they have been feeding these last 30 days.

Although I'm excited for this Eid celebration, (the celebration Muslim's observe for the end of Ramadan) Ramadan has reminded me to focus on the important things; things that I will bring into practice on a grander scale throughout my daily life the other 11 months of the year. Things like realizing that there are people less fortunate than you; Like food is and should be valued not eaten or discarded at luxury; Like DISCIPLINE and RESTRAINT! Finally, this Ramadan has encouraged me to continue to learn, seek, and grow spiritually as well as mentally/emotionally and physically. I want to take this time out to show my undying gratitude to those people who supported me and respected me the last 30 days as well as those who doubted me, for they fueled in me even MORE a desire to reach the finish line. I am blessed to have participated and to have made it though; to have documented and shared with all of you; and to have walked away from this experience with something more than I came into it with! Peace and blessings to you all!

Ramadan Day 25!! : Obligation or Sincerity?

So Day 25 of Ramadan is coming to an end and I just broke my fast with an excellent meal of rice, beans, and salad. I want to catch you all up on my progress and jump right into my topic this entry.

A week ago I was faced with making a decision. After much deliberation I decided after being offered to join in on a trip to Florida for a week that I would go. The debate was in whether or not I would be able to maintain my fast while down there. A week later I'm proud to say that I only missed 2 days of fasting, both of which were due to my physical state of being and not a lack of discipline. On the flip side, the negative of my being on the trip was that my focus was almost completely ripped away from Ramadan minus the conscious physical fasting. I was prepared for this; and in the days following my last post and leading into my trip the intensity of my fast decreased as I had become more and more turned off by my apparent submission to religious law and practice...the very law and practice I turned away from those 5 years ago. The ritual in prayer has become redundant and obligatory and I'm not feeling as much as I did when I started...very often I wonder why am I still holding on, why am I even doing it anymore and at those moments I have to dig deep inside and push through with faith that there is a calling I'm answering to that perhaps I'm not aware of yet...

That does bring me to my topic of choice however; that topic being obligation or sincerity in religious practices and rituals such as prayer. In Islam you pray 5 times a day going through various cycles of standing, to kneeling, to sitting depending on the time of day. In Florida I went through the whole cycle one time and since being back I've resumed regular prayers. Lately however, I have found that while praying my mind begins to wander and I realized that I'm not praying with the same sincerity I did, that I'm more praying out of the muslim obligation in times and cycles...that when it gets time for my "personal" prayers THAT is when I feel the sincerity return. My question is should you pray out of sincerity ONLY or should you pray out of obligation...or perhaps maybe obligation trains your sincerity? Having dipped myself in the world of organized religion makes me remember how many governing rules to practicing there are...rules that aren't necessarily bad but rules that indeed can ( and often do) distract one from the real point of the religious experience or expression of spirituality. I will say that this Ramadan I "broke" a lot of muslim rules... and call me what you want but I'm cool with it. I went out to party when the sun went down, I laughed and cursed, I enjoyed myself but I set out that time and sacrificed that food for a reason and I know that reason and that's what is important. Some have suggested after hearing about this that I should never have started fasting in the first place or perhaps to acknowledge that what I was doing didn't fall into the category of "Ramadan" because I'm not following the rules as a muslim would. These 30 days have been my RAMADAN and I enjoyed the hardships, the confusion, the fasting, the stomach grumbling, the breaking of the fasts, the waking up before dawn to pray and eat and even though it was challenging at some moments more than others I am PROUD of what I've accomplished and what I've learned and hope to continue to learn.

5 more days...

Ramadan: Day 5!!

Ramadan Mubarak! It's a common greeting among the muslim participants of the 30 day Sacred Holiday that means "A blessed Ramadan". So far, my Ramadan has been very involved and I'm going to explain what I mean by involved in a second...

Most of my life I've celebrated Ramadan being raised in a muslim household where it wasn't really an option to "opt out" on fasting. Eventually Ramadan developed it's own special meaning to me such that even given the option (which as a muslim you never really are) I would decline and fast anyway. One Ramadan I got so frustrated with my situation that I had a break down and through another's guidance I realized that I was fasting out of obligation and fear of consequence more so than a genuine desire to fast. I took a day off and came back to it the following day feeling more free, lighter, and more focused on the divine. That was also my last Ramadan and the end of my tenure as a "religious" practitioner.

I have since attempted (and failed) to practice Ramadan however without the right frame of mind, sense of obligation, and discipline it's nearly impossible to undertake such a huge sacrifice in denying yourself the pleasures of the physical world. I am however, a person who knows the value in self restraint and discipline and although not religious, could appreciate the act of fasting and thus felt called to once again take the month long sacrifice and get my head together.

Prior to starting this year's Ramadan I told a few people, "The hardest part of doing Ramadan won't be the not eating but will be my friends." I also stated that "the first 15 days will be the hardest due to the period of time I've not fasted...the first 15 days will be about gaining discipline." Following that logic I did not expect to feel, learn, question, or understand things until at least the second week. So you can imagine my surprise when the first day I had no trouble at all, the second day I began to question myself, the third and fourth days I became spiritually confused, and the fifth day I'm here with a sense of cool about it all. I expected Ramadan would make me more religious if anything and I'm finding it's more turning me away from religion, that it would make me feel God and I'm finding I'm learning a healthy fear of God (in terms of respect and power). To document everything to date that I'm dealing with and involved in spiritually would demand an entirely different post however one thing has become certain to me...if Ramadan has been THIS involved THIS early...I can only imagine how much MORE involved it can get by day 30!

Peace and blessings to you all!